Change

If someone came up to you and asked “Do you like yourself” and you answered “No” What would you change then? Your appearance, the way you carry you’re self in front of people, or even just the basic color of your hair.  I’m sure the list can go on and on for some people because they wish to get better things in life; or it could just be two simple things to make one person gain self-assurance. For me specifically there are two things I would change about myself. The two things I wish I could change are being able to trust people and gain confidence in myself.

            Since I was young there has always been a wall surrounding me. It was built up because I lost the willingness to trust people. Years passed and the wall continued to grow higher and higher. I was getting nervous because I was afraid I would never be able to break the fear of trust. Growing up I was involved in different school activities. I met a variety of people my age and from there I formed different friendships with each individual. As I thought my friendships were getting closer they were actually going in a complete opposite direction. I found out that my closet friends were stabbing me in the back. My so called friends were talking behind my back and spreading rumors about me. At one point I couldn’t deal with the pain of being betrayed and I confronted one of them, the one who I considered to be my best friend. She flat out said “No” and that she has not said anything horrible about me. When I know for a fact she was the ring leader in spreading the gossip. I ended all my friendships after that until I got to high school. In high school I thought all the middle school drama stopped but it didn’t. I was going in to my second year of high school when my wall of fear was adding more and more layers to it. I had built new close friends between a group of four, I wouldn’t say best friend because the word “best” doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. This one friend is the main reason why the wall is high around me. She began to get very jealous of a friendship I had with another close friend. Soon after gossip was spreading like wild fire around the campus; my school was small so it got around fast. The rumors included that I couldn’t be trusted as a friend, I had a fake personality, and that I just used people to get ahead in class. With all those ideas about me going around there were absolutely not true.  The wall around me completely covered me from others. And it’s something I need to change if I want to have any sort of trusting relationship with anyone.  

With my wall of fear surrounding me I was also in a bubble. I have always been in private school from kindergarten to college. I don’t believe I’ve truly communicated with the real world, because I know that I had a sheltered life. I used to depend on my parents for everything. With the thought of being sheltered always in my mind I felt that I didn’t need the confidence to accomplish things. During high school I had some issues with one of my extra curricular activities which was pep squad. There were disagreements with the coaches and the team. The main disagreement was how are routine brought us down a level in difficulty. And with that being the issue all of our parents became involved, which then made it overwhelming. The problem with the coaches kept getting worse and worse and soon after each of the team members and their parents had a meeting with the guidance counselor or the vice principle.  With all the meetings happening nothing really got fixed about the team and when try outs came it turned for the worse. I didn’t make the team. My parents saw the pain it caused me  so they both then complained and asked the school for a meeting with the principle. The meeting was something I wanted to do for myself but I didn’t make the meeting happen. My parents did because I relied on them to fix what happened, when I should have resolved the issue myself. I let my parents do everything because I felt that I didn’t have the self assurance that was I able to do it. I wish I was able to change myself so I can have self confidence to fight my own battles in life.  

            A wall and a bubble are what have always been around me all my life. From a little girl to the young adult you see in front of you. Being able to trust and have self confidence are the two things about me I wish I could change. In order for me to be successful in the future I believe I need to break the wall and pop the bubble. I need to be able to trust as I once used to and build the self confidence to fight for my own issues. I should be able to consider the fact that there are people in this world that could be trusted. And that yes it may be good to depend on people but you should always rely on yourself first. So the next time you get asked “What would you wish for to change about yourself?” Don’t let it be your clothes or hairstyle. Choose something that will better yourself and make you want to change.